oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
