you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
