It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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