I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
