3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
