6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Randomize
