rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
