dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
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