I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i've created a new STD.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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