i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
