idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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