so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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