I want to walk on stilts...naked
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
