He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
