I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
