he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
