Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
