living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You're like the curious george of whores
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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