I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
