i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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