i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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