Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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