I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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