the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
