A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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