if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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