did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
