the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
