I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
