Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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