so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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