Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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