chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
