maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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