my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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