cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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