She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
