Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
