Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
then he tried to convert me to islam
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Who died my cat blue again?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
