I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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