Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
