Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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