8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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