Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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