Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
