im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
