I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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