Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i need some magic done to my vagina
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
