it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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