What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
