I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
