false alarm. still invincible.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
